Thoughts From Your Rocking Chair

Dear Oliver,

Tonight I sat rocking you while I fed you a bottle. As we listened to Elizabeth Mitchell and your little fingers grasped mine, an overwhelming sense of gratitude came over me. Our lives have been a whirlwind since you came and I'm afraid that I haven't taken the time to soak up moments like this as much as I imagined I would. It's not that I don't want to enjoy these moments with you, but we have been so stressed out with the things going on in our lives (graduate school for me [which means I spend most days in the library all day - away from you, which I hate], a second job for your dad, I'm going back to work part-time in a week, we might have to move soon, we're never home so our house gets messy (not the clean, organized home I imagined you living in), we have been sick (the flu, sore throats and I have shingles from stress), and I've had nursing complications with you (due to a low milk supply). None of these things are fitting into the picture I imagined when I dreamed about you for all of those years. I think your dad and I have just been in survival mode, making sure the absolute essential things get done for you to be happy and healthy.

But tonight I soaked in every minute of our time together in that very comfy, worth every penny but glad most of it was gifted glider in your nursery. It was all dark except for the glow from the dinosaur lamp on the shelf above us. I whispered to you how much I love you and how grateful I am that you are here, even during such a stressful time. I told you how sorry I am that I can't give you more right now, that I wish I could be with you every day to see every "first." Then I prayed and thanked Heavenly Father for sending you to us. I thanked him for a healthy, beautiful boy with a spirit that has brought joy to our home. Tears rolled down my face as I thanked Him over and over for you, for a child I have wanted for a long time. I have a son! That is a wonderful thing to say out loud.

The other day I was talking with my friend Katie. It was actually an amazing conversation that came about because she was following the Spirit. She prayed that morning and asked Heavenly Father who she could serve that day and how. Her husband suggested she serve our family and then she felt impressed to call and ask me over for lunch. During our conversation she told me that someday you will appreciate that sacrifices your dad and I are making right now - that you will appreciate education and value that yourself, and marry a girl who values that. I have thought about that before, and your dad and I are hopeful of this. But then she said that our example of following the Spirit with this decision to continue graduate school and have a baby will bless your life by example, by showing you that following the Spirit is important, even when it is hard, and that we are blessed by doing so. I hadn't thought of this part of it being an example to you someday but I want you to know that we are prayerful in our decisions and that even though something might be hard, that doesn't mean it isn't right.

I've been wanting to share my thoughts with you for a while now and I think this is a good place to do it for now. I hope to share many more letters to you here.

Love you,
Mom